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the Church of the Subgenius

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS ONLINE PAMPHLET DISTRIBUTE FREELY TO *EVERYONE* excerpted from the Book of the SubGenius by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs compiled and edited by the Reverend Kareem du Gristle of the Church of the SubGenius, Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench "Time Control? You've come to the right place..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ IF you suspect that things are much worse than you ever suspected- IF the only thing you've been able to laugh at for the last 5 years is the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore- IF you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that you're more different than they could possible *imagine*- IF you can possibly help us with a donation- IF you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor- IF the current "Age of Progress" seems more like the Dark Ages to you- IF you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will condone megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are "above" everone else- Then... ___________________________ |\ /| | THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS | |/___________________________\| could *save your sanity!* -Your secret wishes can be granted in full- *once you know what they are!* "You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think."-J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, 1961 NOW, AT LAST! The step-by-step process is revealed! THIS IS IT! - the only "faith" that promises ACTION- THRILLS- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Feeling like there's just no SLACK? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease! ("The sleep of reason begets monsters.") Look to the High Unpredictables of the Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization! Perfect your subliminal vision -edit your memory- *relive your reincarnality* SYNC UP! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK! Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping, working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and painful shortage of SLACK! *Become a Doktor* of the Forbidden Sciences...make religian a kick-ass adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell! +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | The SubGenius: | | Patriot Personal Nurd | | or Savior or | | Alien? or Hero? | | False | | Prophet? | | | | Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass? | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your *weirdest dreams* to rampaging LIFE! Stand erect for you own abnormality. WISE UP! *They're* out to get you. The "different" are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WIERDOS ARISE!! You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM- something propped up there for you to *blame*. But did you know that the *real* "powers that be" are not even *people*? That they are actually shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS?? YES! JEHOVAH *IS* AN ALIEN AND STILL THREATENS THIS PLANET! Defy the sinister "Star Forces" which mock us all. Evil demons have kept the truth from humanity for thousands of years - God has been misquoted all this time! His actual words may disturb you...but "Bob" Dobbs is a bulwark against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind. "There's no 'Prob'...With "Bob"!" "Bob" is a way of life to *millions* - yet *half* of them don't even KNOW it! He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to help you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the *only* real Short-Cut to Slack. SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV "Bob's" promise is to widen the scope and nature of *abnormal behavior*...to explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge *and coming back*. PLUS to *bring back those who couldn't on their own*...to help you create the HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYMANICS of ABNORMALITY... to turn Conspiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel them into an ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will *fool normals* and GET YOU SEX! As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate from within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts and mental skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE *XISTS*, our *mentors in space*; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a *new physical body*, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging mental and material mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become and OVERHUMAN, a dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because your SubGenius roots can never be forgotten - you won't be able to abuse your powers, but instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing always to defend the oppressed SubGenius wherever they may be! The world is a turkey, and "Bob" gives you the carving knife. Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer! Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE- overnight! Attain STATUS-LUCK-PROSPERITY by *blowing them off*! When you join this "Order of the Knights of Wotan," you get a mastery of *fighting skills*...good health, an attractive personality, a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL! You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTERY over FISCAL PLANES... the OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER...E-Z ways to borrow money - from *other people who don't have it either!" Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT. Our "ascetism" consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give up the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no human has ever dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that you had forgotten, or that never existed at all. CONTACT ALIENS BOTH BENEVOLENT AND EVIL! The Church of the SubGenius the first and last stand against a crumbling world filled with Pinks and Glorps. "SURVIVE THE GREAT CATACLYSMS THROUGH UFO TRANSPORT!" You too can can be a part of this WAVE OF THE FUTURE! Make *strangeness* work for YOU! Thought you were 'ordinary'? WRONG. Tap your secret Abnormality Potential. Take control through liberated weirdness. RADICAL INSANITY! WEIRDOS: Feel smarter than those around you, but constantly stomped back? Receive an unbelievable booklet: a very simple deposit acheives *INSTANT SLACK* at a savings of *$5000* Unbelievably unusual pamphlets. Damn weird. Totally new. Send $1 to: The Church of the SubGenius PO Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214 and you'll NEVER be the same again... ---------------------------------------- |@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@| |@@@@@@^ ~^ @ @@ @ @ @ I ~^@@@@@@| |@@@@@ ~ ~~ ~I @@@@@| |@@@@' ' _,w@< @@@@| |@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@| |@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@| |@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@| |@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | ]@@@| |@@@@ ~_,,_ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@| |@@@@ _~ , , `@@@~ _ _`@ ]L J@@@| |@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@| |@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@| |@@@@@_|| @@@@@@P' @@P@@@@@@@@@@@[|c@@@@| |@@@@@@w| '@@P~ P]@@@-~, ~Y@@^'],@@@@@@| |@@@@@@@[ _ _J@@Tk ]]@@@@@@| |@@@@@@@@,@ @@, c,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@| |@@@@@@@@@ i @w ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@| |@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ _ ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@| |@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' ,ww,w@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@| |@@@_xJ~ ~ , @@@@@@@P~_@@@@@@@@@@@@| |@@ @, ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@| |@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@| |@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@| | ascii rendering of | | J.R. "Bob" Dobbs | ---------------------------------------- THE SPACE BANKERS SEE YOU! THE END IS NEAR! COME GOOD ALWAYS! Rev. Kareem du Gristle, Santa Cruz 24 Hour Clench -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

To all you haters

For those..haters
Those dirty looks
The jealous stares
The funny part is
You think i care
I'll keep it real & thats a promise
I maybe a bitch but at least I'm honest
I'd rather be a bitch
Then a hoe
Im known for what i do
Not for who i screw
Some say im a bitch
Yeah i might be
But i don't remember asking
Any of u hoes to like me
When i walk by,haters stare
Keep looking cause i don't care
I got my own life & my own style
Im not trying to please you or make u smile
You hoes wanna hate
Knock yourselves out.
But remember,
My name isnt Dick
So keep it outta ur mouth

a little voice over matter

Shake the haters, fuck the boys ` dont talk shiit!
only speak what you know> drop it, hoes pop it, rest follow it ...
got my name in your mouth, fucking swallow it !
If you don`t like me remember its [mind over matter]
I don`t [mind] & you don`t [matter]



to aLl the weEd thAt ive smOked, yO this blUnts fOr yoU,
to all the people i've offended - yah fuck you too to all the friends i used
to have - yo i miss my past but the rest of you assholes can kiss my asss
for all the drugs that i've done - yo im still gunna do, to all the people ive
offended - yah fuck you too! to everytime i reminisce - yo i miss my past
buuutt i stiiill donnnt giive a fuuuckk , yaa'll caan kiisss my ass


`kiss him, diss him, screw him, ditch him.
its not like you would ever miss him,
get him all worked up then tell him your through,
sorry boys, girls can be playas too.


Shake the haters, fuck the boys ` dont talk shiit!
only speak what you know> drop it, hoes pop it, rest follow it ...
got my name in your mouth, fucking swallow it !
If you don`t like me remember its [mind over matter]
I don`t [mind] & you don`t [matter]


Hustlin and gamblin, drinking' and scramblin'
And losin sight of what I supposed to be handlin'
It's hard to manage cause every days a challenge


And just because im real pretty
With some big ass titties
Don't mean I won't fuck you up
I bet you won't be lookin' so HOT
When I knock you out and make you say WHAT?!