Queen Defender of the faith: 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008

Pages

Friday, November 28, 2008

Chapter 19 of the subgenius

[from Chapter 19, "The Book of the SubGenius"]

DOCTORS FOR "Bob" will themselves explain what they are on one condition:
just send them some of those Oh-God-all-my-internal-organs-are-bring-ripped-
out-my-throat-one-by-one-Ers AND some no,-dear,-I-don't-think-I'll-be-going-
to-work-to-morrow-ers, AND some King-of-Norway-coming-all-the-way-to-Dallas-
just-for-the-opening-of-Norwegian-Day-at-the-Texas-Fair-ERS. That's right,
just take those pills and throw 'em in the mailbox; you don't need an
envelope, you don't even need a stamp; just toss 'em in that mailbox and
*think* North Little Rock, and they'll get 'em. AND HERE'S WHY: The King, the
King of Norway, most feared continent on the globe, is indeed coming to
Dallas; the very MONARCH of the land of WOTAN, he who serves the Northern
Fathers who slumber beneath the glaciers, *The King* is coming, the very sword
of Odin, the mighty Switchblade of WODEN; DOCTORS FOR "BOB" must be *there* on
that acre of land of the State Fair where the King of all Norawy as some of
the most disgusting freaks of America, who are on display for *money*, we MUST
see that the King is not offended or assassinated while in Dallas, we will be
his personal servants and bodyguards, we will become like army ants which bite
onto each other's limbs to create a living SHROUD of bulletproofness *around*
the King, OH TAKE ME, Fierce Bullet, TAKE NOT the King whose sword serves
Odin, split My cranium and splatter my brains that he my live /and that I may
not EVER have to "EXPLAIN"/ either Doctors for "Bob" or Puzzling Evidence or
LIES or any of the other quasi-SubGenius affiliated organizations which make
the inexplicable SubGenius World Conventions, and the Tape Network, what they
are, OH PLEASE, Brave Bullet, split MY left and right brains down the middle
that the great Sceptre of the King not be prevented from leaving his Seed of
Yetidom across the Northern Plains, sacrifice ME that he who is the crowned
leader of the land of Ymir the Hoar-Frost Giant not be *shaken* in his
meditations, OH KING, we have prepared *The Hill of Foreskins*, our widows
cry, they weep as they burn that great Pile of Sheaths we have given *for
thee*; OH PROUD AND BRAVE BULLET, find NOT your target the Liege, OH ODIN,
take literally my request to KILL ME, /that I may never have to describe the
indescribable schedules of events at SubGenius Revivals;/ O Stout and Noble-
Hearted Bullet, reverse thy perfect Course, O Horizontally-ravelling, Pope-
hatted Messenger of Death, whose *steel-shod testicles* are *potent* with
History, O Bullet of Northern European Heritage which is *destined* to start
World War III no matter what the Runes Writ in the Skull's Eyes may say, we
will AID THEE in thy path of destruction, and urge ye to DO WHAT THOU WILT, so
long as ye harm *not* the King and not *allow* us to "pretend" to describe the
scene at the last Convention when the Patriarchy of the Church was physically
thrown off the stage by the women of the Church who grabbed the mikes and
forced men to strip and marry one another; O Pill-Taking Bullet, which no
drunkenness can divert from thy staid course, we shall encase our meager
bodies in coats lined with pill-bottles that they may deter thy thirsty Aim
and satify thee by thine entering of our carcasses; O Metal-Gonadded Slug,
whose trajectory can be tainted not by intoxication, STAY US from telling of
the unspeakable death of Sterno in the first ten minutes of the DOCTORS FOR
"BOB" concert and his subsequent resurrection by the Head by the Head by the
Dominatrixes, which preceded the /Launching/ of said Head (and its false decoy
brother of latex), resulting in the False Head being ejaculated by the
radisson Hotel itself out the fire-escape and across the street onto the roof
of the building next door during a game of Golfer Head Disco Soccer, from
whence Buck rescued it by scaling the building with a rope in the dead of
night while the Doctors lay on the floor of their room and pondered how the
sacred PIE PIE film had been lost on the 13th floor of a hotel /which had no
13th floor;/ OH KING help us to recover this sacred Super-8 film from the
heathens who have defiled it, this film whose scenes *change magically* from
showing to showing, perhaps, some day, to show /THE TRUTH???!?/ OH KING of
Norawy whose ancestors begat the Viking explorers who left broadaxes across
North America to puzzle the archaeologists, and who had the sense to leave
this land, from whom descended the blonde denture-creme smiling people of the
TV screen who act out the inane video hieroglyphs of the Gods, o ye great
Aryan Stud-Lord of Norway, ODIN, who hath been depicted in *Thor Comics*,
*Tales of Asgard*, o YE who cannot be defeated by Loki, O KING, ye who /ARE
the hearty Bullet/ which would pierce *thyself* and /ARE the *Gun*/ which
would shoot that selfsame Bullet FOR NO OTHER REASON than to relieve of us of
the hellish duty of describing the Mass held on November 22 at Dealy Plaza in
Dallas where the SubGeniuses crossed swords with assassination buffs of lesser
creeds and where the great Evidence of the demon Uberbrow was unleashed
against those who framed our friend Lee O., O Light-Hearted Bullet, O Wise and
Compassionate Bullet, O Bullet of Love which hath been used in all great
Assassinations, O Bullet of Understanding, O Bullet of the eternal orbital
plane around the planet which is called won by the yearnings of psychotics, /O
SEED BULLET/ which brought good-bad life-death to Earth and shall remove it in
the end, /O EGG BULLET/ who is the Mother of All Bullets, which with thine
iron-sheathed testicles did birth all the Race of Bullets, O Votive Bullet
whose bowels of gunpowder cannot be exploded except by the Pin of the Hammer
of Thor Himself, WE BESEECH THEE, divert thy path from the King and into MY
Heart, that he *not be startled* and that the intense 3-day "be-ins" and
"freak-outs" which are SubGenius World Parties not be defiled by impure
Description; happiness will depart from Earth forever if we are forced to do
such a terrible thing as to describe the Head-Launchings or the Healings, or
the paranormal dancing of ashtrays or the nameless force which jumps from one
participant to another, causing them to Spout in Tongues; O All-Knowing Bullet
who delivers the Final Answer to All Philosophies, whose wisdom is the only
Unquestionable Wisdom, o Hollowest of Hollow-Points, whose nothingness
encompasses the Universe, O Most /Logical/ Bullet, rip MY /\/; torture ME in a
Guatemalan prison camp for TEN YEARSlest the air around the King be
*disturbed*, lay thine jolly Cattle Prod against *my* genitals that none of
these may happen, let my *entire body* be converted to a wall of membranous
/nerve/ connected to a brain whose only function is to /feel PAIN/ while a
/flame-thrower/ is placed against that wall of membrane LEST a breeze of a
temperature even SLIGHTLY uncomfortable for the King exist *anywhere* on the
planet, Steel Pellet, *pee not the King's ass*, who can use /Ymir the Hoar-
Frost Giant/ as an /icecube/ in his /Nestea/, "BOB", the question isn't *what*
they are but *how* and *why* is DOCTORS FOR "BOB"? WHY did over 40 people
"become", uninvited, "Doktors for "Bob" " at each Convention? Was it because
`doktor' is a generic term for anyone who plays joyously that instrument which
he *cannot* play? If so, they are Doktors *from* "Bob" and *of* "Bob" but the
fact is, Doctors FOR "Bob" is really some kind of bodiless entity, some kind
of nameless FORCE that's beyond any of us... you could only ask *IT*, the Drs.
for "Bob" *Force*, what it is; you can't ask Janor or Sterno or Drelloid or
Snavely or Bill or Ringo or the others, because they have nothing to do with
the transmissions that are received through their vocal cords; Even the Bullet
knows not, even the King knows not. We call to thee, O Bullet, to give a two
hour speech to thineself in midair!O Steel-Clad Friend, strike US that /we
never again speak/ of the unlabeled capsules with which Pastor Naked pelts the
crowd; O pointy-headed, O Speedy Pal, o Virtuous Dum-Dum of my bosom, O Flying
Penis, O Fertilizer and Ventilator of Great Men, O Great ER-Ridden, Wind-
Riding *Steedless Flyer* whose preordained trajectory we pray to change
*anyway*, O Brainless Warrior, O Farmer of Kings' Blood, O Driller of Flesh, O
/Slug/, if ye choppeth down the King in the middle of the State Fairgrounds
and only Helen Keller is there to hear it, *was* there a Doctors for "Bob"
concert? O Happy, Impudent, Lead-Wearing Nudist, O Barer of the Brains of
Presidents, O Manual Do-It-Yourself Exploratory Brain Surgeon, O Journeyman
into Thinking Organs, O Dauntless Projectile of Odin's Wrath, hear my plea,
that I might not discuss the Media Barrage tapes sold by the SubGenius
Foundation, and inspired/co-created with Puzzling Evidence and others, for the
spectatcularity thereof would only be sullied by any attempt to reproduce them
on paper; O He most smited upon by the gods though Clothed in Blood upon
Exiting the Heads of Presidents and Monarchs, O Ye Deity of Lead, O Ye Slug of
the Elder Gods which shatters the wrists of state governors, O whistling Pied
Piper, O Fluting *Pan* of Lead, /sing not thy song/ unto the King but
/instead/ unto Doctors for "Bob" that we not inadvertently taint the glory of
the over 80 songs about "Bob" and the other Space Bosses which exist on those
Media Barrage Tapes; O Robin Hood of 44-Magnums, let we poor Doctors be the
"Rich" ye rob of tissue and the King be the beggar ye award mercy, that the
reader realize the incomparability of the Tapes and Songs and the Divine
Wellmanization thereof EXCEPT to this very excuse not to compare them to
anything; O Spinning Missile Whose Kiss Is trampled in the 10-watt light of
our Quills; O /Innocent/ Bullet, O /Guilty/ Bullet, which art thou? How can we
presume to judge? We stand to receive thee, we who are of but flesh and
understand not the way of the /Lead-Clad Ones,/ we of the inferior Flesh-
Encladded Clan, we are but *gasses* to thee, ye pass through us as we pass
through the stale vapours of fat Texans which befoul the air through which
will stride the Emperor of Odin-Land! Once can speak of "Bob", one can speak
of Slack, of The Conspiracy, for any fool *knows* they are beyond words, but
to even BEGIN to lower /the Living Church/ to /description/ would be to tempt
the reader to think he *understood* it without "seeing" it; this would be
FOLLY! "Bob" knew that to describe the Living Church would take 10,000 volumes
to be presented in truthful incoherency, to do less would be to invite the end
of all life on Earth, so we were *shown* the way, we were taught by default
that the Bullet, because it has no sex, is the Perfect Teacher. We were meant
to sidestep the issue until we realized the issue could ONLY be presented
*through* sidestepping, and THAT is the Way of the "Bob", or KILL US and HIM:
four guns surround the head of "Bob", they fire and the head implodes and the
four executioners are also killed simultaneously deep inside that cave-tomb;
the deaf-monk outside, *who must not hear the shots*, simply /"knows"/ somehow
that the deed is done, and he gravely rolls the great stone over the cave
entrance and seals it forever: ANYTHING to avoid /explaining/, ANYTHING, even
/killing "Bob",/ for after all is not "Bob" the gun anyway and YOU the Bullet,
slamming into ANYTHING at 186,000 inches per second, EVEN "Bob's" head, in
order to sanctify the fact that the Bullet IS the One God who cannot be
questioned *more than once*, /the Gun is the One World Religion/...
*Perchance*, Mighty Sir Bullet, I might make a suitable *Target* that I might
not have to defile the reality of the Church's living members? Perhaps my
humble flesh might make an acceptable *umbrella* for thy Rain of Lead? It's
the only logical way, it makes PERFECT sense, it's the only possible correct
substitute for explaining the unbelievably important but compex /Time
Intersection/ which this Book is too short to do, /YES!/ It is inescapable, it
was all *meant* to happen, fate decreed every step, every iota of activity by
all SubGeniuses has led to THIS MOMENT YOU ARE READING, and /NOW/ - /*YOU MUST
DIE*/. Well, no, just kidding. But it was a lesson: when we quit seeking the
answer we found it; we have reached the Buddha Nature, we have Achieved The
Form, reality was inverted, we all became Bullets, /HOW CAN YOU BE READING
THIS???/ It erases all you have read in this Book so far, WAIT A MINUTE, /MY
GOD, WE'VE BEEN FOOLS?/ It *wasn't* "Bob" that was the One True Lord, NO! /It
was the Bullet!/ No, wait, that's not right... it was the /Head, YES, THE
HEAD!/ - no that can't be right. /"BOB", "BOB", TAKE MY MIND!!!/ Ah yes,
that's better, "Bob", you speak with TOTAL AUTHORITY, we will again follow you
nywhere, unquestioningly, for /YE/ are the Bullet, O "Bob", ye ultimate /lead
sexual organ/, *raoe* not thy Sister the Hem of the King's Robe, tarnish not
her virginity, instead force *us* to write the chapter by night *without our
own knowledge*, /IT WRITES US/, WE OURSELVES are sent spinning towards the
head of the King... whether we shall splatter it or not we shall find out in
the NEXT Book, it all builds to a horrendous knowledge of everything at once,
which equals nothing, which penetrates, slowly yet instantly, the skin of the
forehead, then cracks through the skull, drilling, then starts to spin as it
swims through the brain mush... YES, "Bob" is God's way of "coming", and the
real DOCTORS FOR "BOB" and all the other doktors and saints and popes and
ministers and even schizmites are the Seed which Spreads the Plasmate of
Information of Freedom, because the Doctors killed "Bob" *first*, and they saw
as very few do that "Bob's" grin, while innocent-looking, /also implies a
hellish ultimate horror;/ it's the insane yet *knowledgeable* grin not unlike
that of a /skull/: WHY DO THEY GRIN LIKE THAT? *Do they know something we
don't?* Are they making up for lost time? Is it someone's sick idea of a JOKE?
Perhaps it is all of these, but it *definitely is* the Doorway to the perfect
Money-Making Formula, the one-image equation for eternal /Slack/, but more
important than even *that*, do you know where I could get me some of them
ANSW
-ERS?


revival

                 __  /\
|__| \ \ :
_____ _____ _____ _____> \____ __|__ _
| . | __| | > | | > | |
---===[ | /_ __| /| | / _ | |__ ]===---
__|__|__|_____| _/ |__|___/__|__|_____|
| | / | | :
. \/ . : .
.
- WAR! -

_____/\ _____/\ _____/\
\ ___/ \ ___ \ \ ___/
\/ \ /\/ _/ /\/ | \
/ / / |\ \ / /__| \
\ \ \__|/\ \\____ /
\_/ Y \_/ Y \_/
Y ! Y ! Y
! : ! : !
: . : O :
. . . .
o O o o

Tha Ruthless 0rganization

babybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybaby
babybaby yba aby byba abyb byba babybaby
babybaby bybabyba babybaby byb yba babybaby byb yba ba ba babybaby
babybaby yba babybaby yba aby yba ba ba babybaby
babybabybabyb yba babybaby byb yba babybaby byb yba ba ba babybaby
babybaby yba aby byb yba aby byb yba ba ba babybaby
babybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybaby


Living in such a state taTestaTesTaTe etats a hcus ni gniviL
of mind in which time sTATEsTAtEsTaTeStA emit hcihw ni dnim of
does not pass, space STateSTaTeSTaTeStAtE ecaps ,ssap ton seod
does not exist, and sTATeSt oFOfOfo dna ,tsixe ton seod
idea is not there. STatEst ofoFOFo .ereht ton si aedi
Stuck in a place staTEsT OfOFofo ecalp a ni kcutS
where movements TATeSTa foFofoF stnemevom erehw
are impossible fOFoFOf elbissopmi era
in all forms, UfOFofO ,smrof lla ni
physical and nbEifof dna lacisyhp
or mental - uNBeInO - latnem ro
your mind is UNbeinG si dnim rouy
focusing on a unBEING a no gnisucof
lone thing, or NBeINgu ro ,gniht enol
a lone nothing. bEinGUn .gnihton enol a
You are numb and EiNguNB dna bmun era ouY
unaware to events stneve ot erawanu
taking place - not -iSSuE- ton - ecalp gnikat
knowing how or what ####### tahw rp wph gniwonk
to think. You are in --oNe-- ni era uoY .kniht ot
a state of unbeing.... ....gniebnu fo etats a

--SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB-SoB--


TYM - Taking Your Machine

PRESENTS


-+-+-====================================================================-+-+-
____________ ____ _____ _____ _________
/\____ ____\ /\ \ /\ \ /\ \ /\ _____\
\/___/\ \___/ \ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \ \ \___ /
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \\ \\ \ \ \ __\
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \__\ \ \ \ \ \_/___
\ \__\ \ \___\ \ \__\/__/\ \__\ \ \_______\
\/__/ \/___/ \/__/ \/__/ \/_______/

_________ ______ ________ _________
/\ _____\ /\ __ \ /\ __ \ /\ ___ \
\ \ \___ / \ \ \/\ \ \ \ \_\ \ \ \ \_/\ \
\ \ __\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ / \ \ \\_\ \
\ \ \_/ \ \ \_\ \ \ \ \\ \ \ \ ___ \
\ \__\ \ \_____\ \ \__\\_\ \ \__\_/\__\
\/__/ \/_____/ \/__//_/ \/__/ \/__/

________ ___ ___ ________ _____ ___ ________ _______
/\ ____\ /\ \ /\ \ /\ __ \ /\ \ /\ \ /\ ____\ /\ ___\
\ \ \ \ \ \\_\ \ \ \ \/\ \\ \ \ \\ \ \ \ \ \_ _/_\ \ \__/
\ \ \ \ \ ___ \ \ \ \_\ \\ \ \\ \ \ \ \ \ \/\_ \\ \ _\
\ \ \____ \ \ \_/\ \ \ \ __ \\ \ \/\ \\ \ \ \ \/_\ \\ \ \/__
\ \______\ \ \__\\ \__\ \ \__\ \__\\ \__\//\_____\ \ \_______\\ \_____\
\/______/ \/__/ \/__/ \/__/\/__/ \/__/ \/_____/ \/_______/ \/_____/

-+-+-====================================================================-+-+-

rip

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+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+




_
/ \ _
_ |\_/|/ \
/ \|---|\_/|
_ |\_/| | |
/ \| | | | |/
|\_/| |=-=| | / /__
| |=-=| |=-=| \ \ sQUIRt!# (hEEHEE!!)
|=-=| | | ||\ \
| | | | | \>
| | | | | \
| - - - - |) )
| /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
| | <-- heehee!!!!!! lamr!!!!
| |
| |

))))))
/ \
| *)(*))|
| > | i phear the PDP!!!
\ == / __/
| |
________________
/__________________\
|| ||
|| bl0tt0!!! ||
||__________________||
\__________________/
| |
/ 0 \
(_______)

i heard...
~~~~~~~~~~

you hear the voice
know the name
but still something's
not the same
he says good-bye
you say oh well
another relationship
gone to hell

your life goes on
it's ok
you see a face
special...some way
the person inside
makes you smile
you feel better
for awhile

then he's gone
doesn't explain
you'll never know
why he went away

you get a call
a reliable source
tells you your love
could've worked
a little birdie
from the past
flew inside
his spell was cast

a piece of advice
a simple test
the hope of your dream
was laid to rest

so it is possible
for your past
you to haunt
what an ass

 KuNT PhUCKz RuDoLPh 2 G3t 1Nt0 D4 ChR1ZTM4S 5P1RiT$&$#&@$!!!!!!!!!

----++++#####$$$$$ KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT $$$$$#####++++----

KuNT -- HaQaHS4Ur1NG a M3RRy KrIZtMA5 N 4N 3l33T N3W Y33R$&(*#@^@!!!11!!!1!!!!!!
-----------------------------------------
| KuNTMARK GREETING CARD |
| ______ |
F33Rl3ZZ L33D3R N | / \ |KuNT V1C3 PR3Z1D3NTZ:
F0UND3R D00d: | / O | | TH4 SYB3R-P0NT1FF
S4T4NUZ M4X1MUZ | / | | D1G1T4L M1LK5H4K3
| vvvvvvvvv | |
| \^^^^^^^^ / |
| \___ | \ ___________ |
| / | \/ \ |
S3C0ND 1N C0MM4ND,| | / / | / H4v3 U B33n | | 0TH3R KuNTL1NGZ:
H34D PR0GR4MM3R, | /------ / | |3l33T 0R L4m3| |S1ZT3R M4RY PHUCKF4C3
N GUY WH0 G1V3Z | /v/-----/ | | Th1Z Y34R?? | | CH0P SU1D
0UT T1TL3Z: | | | \___________/ ^ |
D1G1S4URUS H3X | | \ / / |
| | \ / / | C0NTR1BUT0RZ:
| | \ _ / / | R1CH4RD CR3T4N
0FF1C14L KuNT | | \____/ / | SKwAre
CH1N3Z3 F00D | \ \ / |
D3L1V3RY B0Y: | | /\ \ /-- | TH4NX 2:
D34DL1N3 | | / \ \ -----/ | CAPTAIN KIPLOH
| | |\ \ |
| / | | \ | N0 TH4NX 2:
OFF1C14L KuNT | / /_/ | | BSK1N
T01L3T SCRUBB3R: | <|______/_______/ | (fucking elitist
TH3 S1L1C0N F4RM3R| Signed, All the family here at KuNT| tyrant asshole)
-----------------------------------------

_____ KuNT
/ o \ EwE HaZ BeeN KuNT
GRRRRR - | v^v^v HaQaSaUrEd KuNT
\ _/ By D4 d00dz 4t KuNT
, | |___, KuNT
| / |---, KUNT INDUSTRIEZ, LIMITED KuNT
\\_/ / KuNT
\_/|||| HaVe A KuNT
|||| FuQeD Up KuNT
|_|_> Day, PhAg! KuNT

_ __ _______ _______
| | / / / __ \ | __ \ We're cool
| | / / | / \__| | [ ] | because WE
| | / / | | | [ ] | got a group
| |/ / | | | [__] | of friends
| / | | __ | _____/ 2-gether
| \ | | | \ | __ \ and a cool
| |\ \ | | | | | [ ] | acronym!
| | \ \ | | | | | [ ] |
| | \ \ | \_/ | | [__] |
|_| \_\ \_______/ |_______/
K-RAD GNUZ & BULLSHIT



___________ ___ ___ _________
/ ________/ / \ / / / _____ | {Looks like this is }
/ / / | / / / / / / {the end! But tune }
/ /____ / / | / / / / / / {in next week for }
/ _____/ / /| |/ / / / / / {another KGB episode!}
/ / / / | / / / / / / {- The Under Dog Show}
/ /_______ / / | / / /____/ /
/__________/ /___/ |___/ /__________|



____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____
| | / \ | / \ / \ / \ / \ . |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | # |
|____| | | | \____ \____ |____| |____| ##, |
| \ | | | \ \ | | | | # # |
| \ | | | | | | | | | | | #P # |
| \ \____/ \_____ \____/ \____/ | | | | # 0[ |
# # #oo. |
# #' ##./' |
R O Y A L O R D E R O F T H E L E S S E R _# `## o." |
j# o.. |
S P O T T E D S O U T H A F R I C A N .## () o*... |
Narq! ##" o.. |
A A R D V A R K Narq! #^ j##,+.. |
\ _##? .####<`#*o* . |
Founder: UNiQUE ## _.###^ ##.'_ |
Mascot: Zwobeley _J#####' #" |



\ _ _ / HEY BOYS AND GIRLS! L00K! \ _ _ /
\((___))/ \((___))/
[ o x ] L0CK communications [ o x ]
|(_)| ...presents... |(_)|
( o ) ( o )
/ (_) \ the gnu February 1995 release. / (_) \
/ a buffet of tempting, tantalizing treats the wh0le \
phamily can enj0y. Yes Virginia, there iz a L0CK!@#

Kunt

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BeAfRaIdBeVeRyAfRaIdBeAfRaIdBeVeRyAfRaIdBeAfRaIdBeVeRyAfRaIdBeAfRaIdBeVeRyAfRaId

W G
E==| |== _ |.\ _ _ _ |--| _ I
S | | |.| |_ |_/ |_ | | | |> |\ | |..| |_ V
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|XxXxXxXxX| | |XxXxXxXxX| |
|xXxXxXxXx| | |xXxXxXxXx| |
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|===================| |===================|
\ |XxXxXxXx/ \ |XxXxXxXx/
\ |xXxXxXx/ \ |xXxXxXx/
\ |XxXxXx/ The \ |XxXxXx/
\ |xXxXx/ \ |xXxXx/
\ |XxXx/ Electronic \ |XxXx/
\ |xXx/ \ |xXx/
\ |Xx/ A D V E N T U R E R \ |Xx/
\ |X/ -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- \ |x/
v v




_______ _________ __
/ _____/ /___ ___/ / /
/ /__ / / ______ __ __ __ ___ __ ___ _____ / /
/ ___/ __ / / / __ / / / / / / //__/ / //__ \ / ___ \ / /
/ /____ / /__/ / / /_/ / / /_/ / / / / / / / / /__/ / / /
/______/ /______/ /_____/ /_____/ /_/ /_/ /_/ \___/_/ /_/





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......................................................................
: October Issue :
: 1994 Presenting 001 :
: _____ _ ___ _ _ :
: |_ _| |__ ___ |_ _|_ __ | |_ ___ _ __ _ __ ___| |_ :
: | | | '_ \ / _ \ | || '_ \| __/ _ \ '__| '_ \ / _ \ __| :
: | | | | | | __/ | || | | | || __/ | | | | | __/ |_ :
: |_| |_| |_|\___| |___|_| |_|\__\___|_| |_| |_|\___|\__| :
: ___ __ :
: |_ _|_ __ / _| ___ _ __ _ __ ___ ___ _ __ :
: | || '_ \| |_ / _ \| '__| '_ ` _ \ / _ \ '__| :
: | || | | | _| (_) | | | | | | | | __/ | :
: |___|_| |_|_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_|\___|_| :
: :
: "Information from the material and electronic worlds" :
: :
: * A donation supported magazine * :
: :
: ..Business..Entertainment..Usenet..Internet..Online.Services :
: ..Muds..IRC..News..Writing..Trends..People..Places..Events.. :
: :
: :
:....................................................................:
____ ____
{ )-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-( }
| : : |
: | The Internet Informer | :
| : P.O. Box 262 : |
: | Hitchcock, Texas | :
| : 77563 : |
: | | :
{____)-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-(____}

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_)
: ____ _ _ :
: / ___|___ _ __ | |_ ___ _ __ | |_ ___ October :
: table | | / _ \| '_ \| __/ _ \ '_ \| __/ __| 1994 :
: of | |__| (_) | | | | || __/ | | | |_\__ \ :
: \____\___/|_| |_|\__\___|_| |_|\__|___/ :
:.......................................................................:


____ _ _ __ _ _____ _
a / ___|| |__ (_)/ _| |_ | ___|__ _ __ _____ ____ _ _ __ __| |
\___ \| '_ \| | |_| __| | |_ / _ \| '__/ _ \ \ /\ / / _` | '__/ _` |
____) | | | | | _| |_ | _| (_) | | | __/\ V V / (_| | | | (_| |
|____/|_| |_|_|_| \__| |_| \___/|_| \___| \_/\_/ \__,_|_| \__,_|


____ _ _ _
| _ \ __ _| |_ ___| (_)_ __ ___ _
| | | |/ _` | __/ _ \ | | '_ \ / _ \ (_)
| |_| | (_| | || __/ | | | | | __/ _
|____/ \__,_|\__\___|_|_|_| |_|\___| (_)

___ _ _
|_ _|_ __ | |_ ___ _ __ _ __ ___| |_
| || '_ \| __/ _ \ '__| '_ \ / _ \ __|
| || | | | || __/ | | | | | __/ |_
|___|_| |_|\__\___|_| |_| |_|\___|\__|



_____ _ _____ _____
|_ _| |__ ___ |_ _|__ _ __ |_ _|__ _ __ ___
| | | '_ \ / _ \ | |/ _ \| '_ \ | |/ _ \ '_ \/ __|
| | | | | | __/ | | (_) | |_) | | | __/ | | \__ \
|_| |_| |_|\___| |_|\___/| .__/ |_|\___|_| |_|___/
|_|

.....o-O-o......
: The.Top.Tens :
O....o-O-o.....O


____ Internet _
| __ ) _ _ ___(_)_ __ ___ ___ ___
| _ \| | | / __| | '_ \ / _ \/ __/ __|
| |_) | |_| \__ \ | | | | __/\__ \__ \
|____/ \__,_|___/_|_| |_|\___||___/___/





___ __ The _
|_ _|_ __ / _| ___ _ __ _ __ ___ ___ __| |
| || '_ \| |_ / _ \| '__| '_ ` _ \ / _ \/ _` |
| || | | | _| (_) | | | | | | | | __/ (_| |
|___|_| |_|_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_|\___|\__,_|
___ _
|_ _|_ ____ _____ ___| |_ ___ _ __
| || '_ \ \ / / _ \/ __| __/ _ \| '__|
| || | | \ V / __/\__ \ || (_) | |
|___|_| |_|\_/ \___||___/\__\___/|_|



_____ _ the _ _ __ __ _
| ____| | ___ ___| |_ _ __(_) ___ \ \ / /__ _ __ __| |
| _| | |/ _ \/ __| __| '__| |/ __| \ \ /\ / / _ \| '__/ _` |
| |___| | __/ (__| |_| | | | (__ \ V V / (_) | | | (_| |
|_____|_|\___|\___|\__|_| |_|\___| \_/\_/ \___/|_| \__,_|

Thursday, November 27, 2008


--- ---    ---     ----    ----   CCCCC   OOOOO   RRRR   EEEE
| H | / A \ | R | |D \ C O O R R E
|---| |---| |--/ | | C O O RRRR EEEE
| | | | | \ | / C O O R R E
--- --- --- --- -- -- ---- CCCCC.. OOOOO.. R R.. EEEE..



__, __, ___ _, _ _, _,
| \ |_ | /_\ | | (_
|_/ | | | | | | , , )
~ ~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~ ~


_______ __ __ __ ___
| _ | |--.----.-----.-----|__.----| .-----.-----. .-----.' _|
|. 1___| | _| _ | | | __| | -__|__ --| | _ | _|
|. |___|__|__|__| |_____|__|__|__|____|__|_____|_____| |_____|__|
|: 1 |
|::.. . |
`-------'
_______ __
| _ | |--.---.-.-----.-----.
|. 1___| | _ | _ |__ --|
|. |___|__|__|___._|_____|_____|
|: 1 |
|::.. . |
`-------'


+--------------------+
| | Addendum: (say a-DEN-dum) noun.
| oooooooo | Plural is addenda. Anything added, such as an
| / ----- /| | appendix, to a book
| / ----- /_| |
| / /__| | Written and encoded entirely in notepad and DOSedit
| / /___| |
| \______/____| |
| '-------' | Mail : steak@optushome.com.au
| |
| | URL:
| +----------+ | http://www.adden.tr.cx/
| | ADDENDUM | |
| +----------+ |
+--------------------+


6666666666 666 66666666666
666 666 666 6 666666666666 66666666666
666 666 666 66 66 66 666
666 666 666 66 66 666 666
666666666 666 666666666666 6666 666
666 666 666 666 666 66666666666 666
666 666 666 666 666 6666 666
666 666 66666666666 666 666 6666 666 666
666666666666 66666666666 666 666 6666666666666 666

F _ A _ M _ Y


...and thinking of the unthinkable, it's time for ...
FOR INFORMATIONAL PURRRPOSES ONLY

_______ _____________
/ | ___ ________ _______ _____ ____ _____| |
/ _ | \ \ \ | | \ _ _ |
| / \| | | | | | | | | | | | | \|
| | \ ___ / / / | | __ / | |
| \ _ /| | \ \ | | | |
\ | | | | | | | | | |
__\ _______| |____|____|___|____|______ _| __| __|____|_____
/ |_______ ___ ____ ___ ____ ______ / \ ____|__ | |
| _ | | | | | | \ __ / | | |
| \ \| ____| | | | | | |_|__ __| /
\ \ | / | | / | | \ /
|\_| | ____| \ | \ | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | |
|________ /________|___|____|________|___|____|____|____| |_____|

corrupt.sekurity.com

__________________________________/cDc Gnuz\__________________________________
_ _
|\ /^\ /^\
/ / / @ )^ -| @ )^ - _
/ / 666 ( \/-^-^^| /--^-^-~
\o \ \ o \ / /@ )^ - _
| o| _ - _ \ / o /| /--^-^-~
/ / / O o ^ - / ( O |/ / /\
| o \__ _/ O o O o ( o \ o \ /_/@ |
\ o o o / |__ _ \\
\ o O \ O ( o - o / . ^ \S
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| / - _ - - \ \ -_ -- -
| / \ / \ | \ \.
/ | | \ | \
/_ \ / | \ / _ \
| \ - | \ -


____ ____
| | violent animation | |
| |___ _______ _______ ____| | _______ _______ _______
__| | __| | __| | __| | __|__ | __| | __| |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | __ |
| _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | _ | | ____|
| |_| | | |_| | | | | | | |_| | | |_| | | |_| | | |_| |
|________| |________| |___| |__| |________| |________| |_____ _| |________|
___| |
bondage one (october 2, 1996) | ___|
________________________________________________________ | |__ ___________
333#################################################### |_____| #####KTS!A





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_______________________________________________ _________________
\_ __ \_ \ / \ / \_ \ | __/ ____/ \ | \| | __/
_| |/ / = \| |/ = \| / | ___/_ _ | | | /___ _
\________/___|___\__|_|__/___|___\_____|______/|_| \__|__|\__|_____/|_|


======================== "The name speaks for itself!" ========================



Primus

A Quick Guide to Primus
Geography

Primus is a coastal city. The coast runs east/west to the south. Climate is generally Temperate/Boreal: colder weather in general, but milder winters. Forestation is an evergreen/deciduous mix similar to the Pacific northwest. Of course, distant regions will differ from this, with mountain, desert, and jungle climes used as story (or backstory) requires.

The seat of government is located in the Spire, a towering metallic structure found at the nexus of all roads to Primus. The Spire watches over all, and even its shadow passes over the city like the sweeping hand of a sundial. It is the axle of a half-wheel, with roads stretching outwards like spokes.

The Kark River empties out west of the city in a great delta. As such, the industrial sector starts in this part of the city. Residential areas are generally to the east. In between is the commercial sector. Government and support buildings are found closer to the center of the web, followed by higher-rent districts. Low-rent areas are out towards the perimeter, leaving plenty of acreage for expansion before rural farming areas are encountered.
Government

Primus ("The First City") is the center of the known world. Or, rather, the world as known by its inhabitants: those who have traveled far and wide enough know that every land mass has its *own* "First City"! Its domain is always expanding as roadways consume the countryside.

The city-state is governed by a sole Patrician, who tends to ascend to office by the tacit will of the people for past achievement. There is no formal electoral process.

Primus has no external enemies and thus does not maintain a standing army (in fact, there are no foreign borders within the surrounding horizon), opting to rely upon The Defenders for protection. It's very clean (mostly), prosperous, bustling, and peace-abiding. There is a city watch that mainly helps people when their carts bust an axle and ushers the drunks home peacefully. They're armed with truncheons, crossbows, and knives (oh my!).
Technology

Technology is of a curious range, with a lower base mainly around the medieval level ("Iron Age Plus", let's say) extending up through Elizabethan outfitting, but there is also a tradition of invention fostered by the Patrician which pulls segments of society towards Victorian realms and sometimes beyond.

A High Artificer is counted upon to make life easier for the people of the city through ingenious mechanical wonders. These inventions occasionally find their way into the daily lives of people, but mostly they remain a symbol of class separation.

Talented smiths can do amazing things... especially when gifted as the offspring of gods (knowing or not). Machinery is likely, and steampunk style engines aren't entirely out of the question for the particularly gifted. Of course, it's likely that someone somewhere in distant lands is experimenting with black powder weapons.
Buildings and Public Works

Architecture is simple but sturdy at the low end (wood, stucco, shale roofing). Business blocks are often built in long stone and brick units with flat roofs. The wealthy have miniature baroque palaces with pointless adornments such as stained glass windows, precious metalwork, and absurd topiaries.

Main roads are made of paving stone, which is gradually being used to replace the cobblestone cross-streets. Back ways are still packed earth (sometimes with embedded wood slats to combat erosion and wagon-ruts during the rainy season).

Some notable features of Primus's public works:

* Irrigation, sewage, and plumbing (varying by class)
* Phosphorescent swamp gas lighting (excited by static charge)
* Ceramic heat batteries for cooking and heating
* Semaphore towers for long-distance communication

Society

People in this civilization are less prepared for a fight in general. Few people own a sword, let alone know how to use one (not that a knife or an axe aren't just as effective). However, the upper-crust do dabble in dueling with light swords (having nothing better to do with their time).

Most people are normals, and few have had personal contact with the legendary heroes. Sure, your cousin's friend probably saw a man fly over his farm, but he never got to shake his hand. Still, when heroes have saved the day, they touched enough lives to inspire songs and stories for generations. In a sense, The Defenders are the true celebrities of the day, though they tend to inspire quiet awe moreso than clamoring mobs.

Most people have never seen a "monster", though adventurers are said to have encountered many of the "classic myths" from our literature: dragons, minotaur, phoenix, kraken, "prehistoric" mammals, and whatnot (these do not encroach upon civilization in marauding hordes!), and most people believe in the restless dead. Moreso, there have been increased sightings of Demonic influence in the city as of late.
Naming

Even though this is not a game of historical Earth, I'm not going to get wacky with the language: the "common tongue" is essentially English. No made-up words here. And we won't get silly and prescribe artificial personal name spelling conventions (e.g. CVCVC) to try (and fail) to be needlessly "unique". Mostly British and Germanic names are used for locals, and other nationalities can be used to make them "foreign" or "exotic" (without overtly saying, "He's Chinese").

In fact, surnames are mainly prized by the upper-class who link lineage to social status. The "low kinds" will generally just go by first names, especially in rural reaches: everyone knows who "Gunter" is in those parts, and if there are two Gunters you can specify "Willhelm's Gunter".

Titles are often used in place of surnames for the professional class and tradesmen. "Emil the Butcher" is a fairly specific identifier. Similarly, honorariums can be bestowed: "James the Kindly", aka "Kindly James". Which of course brings us to nicknames, good and bad: "Knuckles", "Ratty", and "Bernie the Pungent".
Culture and Entertainment

Here are some diversions for you to pass the time and talk about around the water cooler at work:

* Theatre, music
* Books, periodicals
* News one-sheets and kiosks
* Cricket, Aussie rules football, boxing, wrestling matches

Miscellaneous

Some other points of interest about Primus society:

* Population: Pushing 50,000
* Education: generally literate society, free education, trade mentoring, no unemployment (for those who desire work)
* Cuisine: Pan-ethnic, spices, much seafood (being on the coast)
* Fashion: time-shifting between classes, peasantry in Middle Ages garb, with the elite being close to Victorian styles (the wealthy are also extremely fad-prone)

Economy and Business

The people are hard-working and most everyone "knows his place". Currency is both paper and coinage, but a greater deal of barter contracts are made between skilled craftsmen.

Typical businesses one might find:

* Street: Bakery, potter, glass-blower, blacksmith, tailor, grocer, builder/architect
* Coast: Fishery, importer
* Rural: Ranching, farming, hunter/trapper/furrier
* Culture: Theatre/sports venue, library, printer, school

Business names are a bit antique but straightforward. A quick guide:

* Proprietor: "K.A. Menendian, Carpeter", "M. Azzaro, Barber"
* Location: "Northside Grocer", "Vine Street Bakery"
* Mix and match is often used for inns, pubs, and oddities:
o Modifier:
+ Colors: Red, Blue, Green, Teal, Magenta, Violet, White, Black
+ Materials: Stone, Wood, Glass, Jade, Paper
o Object:
+ Animals: Rooster, Dog, Tiger, Elk, Dragon, Camel, Elephant, Bear, Moose, Skunk, Monkey, Eagle, Crocodile, Phoenix, Bull
+ Plants: Oak, Rose, Bamboo, Lily, Willow, Reed
o Examples: "Glass Rooster", "The Paper Dragon", "Black Lily"

Businesses are taxed a percentage of their income for the upkeep of public works in their area. Unfortunately, there are also non-government groups who take it upon themselves to collect "protection fees", because buildings can be rather, y'know, *flammable*...

Primus is a self-reliant closed economy, for the most part. Most goods and raw materials come from within the realm itself. It does not generally export goods, and most import companies tend to dabble in curiosities and esoterica rather than hard and soft goods.
Religion

The gods have lost direct sway on this plane, particularly in the city. People do not "worship" in overt ritual ways anymore. Instead, they tend to believe in the adage that a life lived purely is worship of the Creators in its own right. A hard day's work, day after day, is the road to a comfortable afterlife.

Still, some gods influence the world by inserting themselves into it and steering the course of humanity. Others do this by proxy, finding a mortal suitor to produce offspring with.

Some of the old gods are still revered in small circles, though, and in those areas they still have sway. Farmers still have an Earth Goddess they're respectful of. There's a goddess of the hunt. Artists still petition the muses. And of course there are mages and witches who gain their power by divine contract.
Demons

Demonic forces are the main antagonists in the city (and as such can be considered the "replacement" for BtVS's vampires). It is their way of life to corrupt the people by tempting them to the deadly sins.

Demons have a normal human form. In this form, they can use only limited powers: the only benefit they retain is resistance to damage and magic. However, if they are the successful target of a significant amount of either of these, their human form is dropped and they show their true visage. Physical stature is generally larger than the average human and of an idealized build. Non-human attributes are always present, generally consisting of several of the following: horns, tail, fangs, facial ridges, claws, unnatural colored skin or eyes, fur, scales, other animal attributes, foreign matter composition (stone, wood).

This transformation also includes change of attire and is instantaneous, accompanied by a puff of smoke, flame, burst of light/dark, electrical discharge, or other Nifty Special Effect.

While the human form is used, it must be maintained: food, drink, sleep, waste, etc. Most demons prefer returning to their own plane (in their normal form) on "downtime": they can port in and out in the presence of a personal shrine or a general "weak spot" between realms.

Their modus operandi is to "convert" people by granting wishes pertaining to the deadly sins. They gain energy through this process. Formation of cults is also paramount for "spreading the word", and outright worship produces even more energy.

Creating an actual contract between demon and human (either oral or written) additionally allows the demon to bestow minor demonic powers to the human... but also at the cost of the recipient manifesting demonic attributes while using the power. Sometimes this will get them mistaken as demons, though officially they are merely "demonspawn". Such empowerment can be removed by the will or death of their patron, and the demon is limited to how much power he can bestow in total (i.e. it draws from his "reserves").

Demons operate at physical penalty while in sunlight, though they do not take direct damage. Still, it's something they tend to avoid, and they stick to night operating hours most of the time. They are also like vampires in that they are dusted by a stake through the heart or decapitation.

Demons do drink blood (and eat hearts and brains when peckish!) simply for the perverse pleasure, but they can only turn humans by completely owning their soul: it must be a willing process. At that point, if the body is drained, it can be reborn with a "soul kiss". Essentially, the demon eats the human's soul, which also grants a "blood-bond" sort of control over the new demon.
A Short History Lesson

The PCs are all in their mid-30's, so they're about 15 years older than they are in the New Orleans game. However, they don't all have a shared experience that dates back that entire time: they started out scattered geographically. Backstories will overlap in varying quantities, as dictated by individual character write-ups, but they all have at least 3 years together working as a team.

* 15 years ago: Primus was ruled by Ian the Green Alchemist, who was corrupted by a demon. Upon this becoming known, he was deposed and imprisoned by his own pawns, The Defenders of the Realm. This act was led by Jacob, who ascended to Patrician office by will of the people soon thereafter. After a governmental house-cleaning was completed, The Defenders disbanded and parted ways.
* 10 years ago: Debralla Touchstone graduates from University Mechanica with highest honours and is recruited to be the new High Artificer upon retirement of the old one. She would also subsequently teach at UM as well.
* 5 years ago: Petro comes to Primus. Jacob recruits him for "odd jobs", including that of occasional Executioner. It's rumored that there is "something between he and Debralla".
* 3 years ago: Lady Midnight and Erin the Lost come to town. They are soon recruited and the new Defenders are made official to combat the rising tide of demon insurgency!

The Defenders of the Realm
Pete Malraux as Petro the Executioner

* Age: 35
* Size: Hyuge
* Inspiration: Astaroth (Soul Calibur), Lobo, Trencher (Keith Giffen's *other* Lobo)

Petro is a huge man with a huge double-bladed axe to match. He is typically shirtless, masked by an executioner's hood, and wears a heavy lashing of chains around his waist to support additional weapons (and his blood-red leggings). The rippling muscled skin (swoon!) on his chest, arms, and back is covered by scars and magic runes, thought to be the source of his ability to speak with the dead.
Jessamine Pitot as Lady Midnight

* Apparent Age: 37
* Power: Faerie envoys
* Inspiration: Faerie tales, creepy Hellboy chicks

The Lady has ties to the faerie lands, and is almost undoubtedly more than human herself despite her apparent form. She wears a gown of blackest blue that scintillates like moving oil on water, the long tails of which move and flow with seeming living animation. She commands fey entities that do her bidding, calling them from their world to ours. She can also travel the In Between, opening doorways that span many leagues with no effort.

She resides in the Red Room Inn, where she keeps a faerie dragon which causes no end of comical trouble for Georges.
Debbie Human as Professor Debralla Touchstone the High Artificer

* Age: 35
* Marital Status: Widowed (but rich for it)
* Inspiration: Girl Genius, Secret Adventures of Jules Verne, "Ichabod Crane, Girl Detective" (Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow)

She believes in the future! She believes in science! As well as doing her duty as High Artificer to the Realm, Prof Touchstone applies her knowledge of natural law to protecting the people in a more direct capacity as a Defender. She wears a grey-silver pants-suit with ruffled waistcoat, over which is donned a similarly colored duster with myriad pockets, from which she pulls her creations: weapons, clockworks, lockpicks, scrying glasses, and other tools that the common man has never seen and can only guess the purpose thereof.
Erin O'Reily as Erin the Lost

* Age: 19
* Demeanor: Cocky
* Inspiration: Swashbuckling miscellany

Adopted charge of Lady Midnight (who is said to have found her in the In Between), she can adeptly bargain with the fey (though not outright control them). She's able to win any combat with her dueling skills with rapier and main-gauche. She wears the white garments of a high society lady, being trained in courtly arts, but needs no man to defend her honor!
Other Personalities of Note
Jake Ruth as The Patrician

* Age: 35
* Coolness: Ultimate
* Inspiration: Jedi Council, Star Trek ambassadors

Patrician Jacob is a brilliant, cunning gentleman who can visualize plans within plans, wheels within wheels. He has a short beard and long hair, and wears spectacles and a long grey vest-coat. He uses his abilities of uncanny insight to both plan what's best for his people and to oppose the forces of darkness. The Defenders report directly to him, answering his call when he sees a need for their services once again. As a former Defender, he also is said to have incredible powers of his own...
Lorelei, Queen Siren

* Apparent Age: 30
* Hotness: Extreme
* Inspiration: Lady Death, other various CHAOS! Comics cheesecake

In her human form, Lori typically wears clothing befitting the disgustingly wealthy, absurdly impractical for anyone but the layabout elite who live a life of carriage service and high tea. She's extremely attractive, though her cruelty also manages to shine through. Her demonic form is considerably taller (reaching to more than 6.5 feet), build is "enhanced" (aherm), her skin and hair are chalk white, and her eyes glow blue and pupiless. Oh, and she's wearing significantly less clothing of a leather/dominatrix style (i.e. This is pretty much a direct rip from Lady Death)

Lorelei is set up for "the good life" by residing in the Red Room Inn (Georges allows amnesty to any manner of being there so long as they don't use the grounds for "business", keep a human visage whenever possible, and do not manifest powers). The Queen Siren is dedicated to Patrician Jacob's personal corruption. To do this, she only occasionally (though grandly) threatens the well-being of Primus itself, putting pressure on Jacob to hopefully martyr himself to the cause. Generally, though, her process is one of slow decay, such that there will eventually be no more First City for even the Patrician to believe in.
Ian the Soiled

He is the former Patrician, deposed for his treachery against the Realm. He still has his uses, though, and is kept in the deepest dungeon in case his knowledge is required. His abilities as an alchemist and herbologist occasionally come in handy for analysis of clues. His spirit for escape and retribution seems to be broken, but you never know...

[end]

The Templar


The Templar: Cobros
Writen by: ImmortalDawn
Aetiological Myth for Latin



There is a rule that all Gods must follow, never intervene with Earthly matters.
This was a problem because the Earth was in a difficult time. Cities had corruption
running deep in their veins. Government officials were greedy and did whatever they
pleased. Most cities were in a state of anarchy while this unholy monarch, Tyrannus, sat
safely at his golden throne. Although many tried to put an end to his reign, Tyrannus
could not be stopped by normal means.

To keep his absolute power, Tyrannus formed a secret group of assassins named
the Templar to cause disorder and panic within the few remaining cities. Their leather
armor was dyed black so they could conceal themselves in the shadows. They were given
two daggers that were imbued with the most poisonous acid; one little cut could kill a
grown man in a matter of seconds. The Templar were men without souls, they were simply
shells. Ruthless and fearless the Templar did what ever Tyrannnus commanded without
hesitation. Even though they were rarely seen, the Templar’s ominous presence could be
felt by everyone.

Tyrannus had the Earth in an iron fist, but there was one city he could not
conquer. Primus, the king of the last city knew he could not let Tyrannus take over the
last stronghold. If he did all hope would be lost and evil would rule over Earth for
another one hundred years. Luckily, one of Primus’ spies had overheard the plans for the
final assault on the city. Primus prepared for the worst, but he did not expect Tyrannus
to send all of his Templar.

Primus prayed to the Gods to give him strength to overcome the attack. Even
though the Gods heard his prays, they knew they could not help him directly. When things
seemed grim, one of the Gods found a loop hole. They implanted the soul of Cobros into
one Tyrannus’s Templar. Cobros was a revered warrior that fought alongside Primus until
he was slain by Tyrannus himself. With Cobros’s help, Primus and his army might stand a
chance.

Cobros awakened inside the dark chambers of a Templar. He found his way to the
throne room and there he saw Tyrannus.

“What do you want Templar? Why aren’t you in your quarters?” Asked Tyrannus

“I’m here to stop your evil reign!” Shouted Cobros

“Wait… that voice. Who are you?” Asked Tyrannus

“You knew me as Cobros and tonight I will have my revenge.” Answered Cobros

“Even after death, you are still just as arrogant.” Said Tyrannus

And then all of a sudden Cobros leaped at Tyrannus with his twin daggers drawn.
His impulsive assault lead to his demise before just as it would now. Tyrannus grabbed
Cobros’s wrists and broke both his arms with a single twist. Cobros screamed in anguish
as Tyrannus hurled him to the floor.

“Guards, get rid of this Templar, he is useless to us now.” Said Tyrannus

The royal guards stormed in and took the battered Cobros outside. He was tossed
into a nearby cave and left to die.

“Gods, please... give me one more chance!” Shouted Cobros

“Your rash nature was once again your downfall.” Said the Gods

“I beg of you, just one more chance!” Pleaded Cobros

Moments later, he started to change. His broken arms fused to his sides and his
body became thin and slender. The Templar armor also merged with his body making his
skin rough. The poisonous daggers were still his weapons except now they were a part of
his jaw. Cobros found his new body quite bizarre, without arms or legs he wondered how
he could move. Surprisingly enough, Cobros’s new body was better than his former one.
He could move without sound, jump farther, and strike faster than ever.

Cobros slithered back into Tyrannus’s castle. It was almost effortless for him
to avoid any confrontations because of his slim physique. As he made his way into
Tyrannus’s personal quarters, Cobros found him sleeping with his guard completely down.
Cobros bit into Tyrannus’s neck and his venomous fangs did the rest. The next morning
the royal guards found Tyrannus dead with no signs of a killer.

Since Tyrannus was slain it was easy for Primus to rebuild the decrepit Earth.
New cities were formed and the world was a better place. Cobros was never seen again,
but some say claim he hides under rocks or in other dark places, patiently waiting for
his prey.

Arcadia


Many have asked me "What is Arcadia like?" They may as well ask me what the inside of my head is like - I have no way of knowing until I look, and finding that knowledge will surely kill me. I have perhaps spent more time there than any living magus, and still I cannot provide an answer to that question. All I can so is recount the experiences that I have had, and hope that this sheds some light (or dark) upon such matters.

My good friend Ardea of House Mercere has said much on the subject of reaching and navigating Arcadia. She describes the directions of Arcadia, and says that she knows of none others that have given them such names. This is because she has doubtless never read the treaties of our revered primus Quendalon. He was the first mortal (or was he mortal?) to describe the cardinal directions of Light, Dark, Summer and Winter that are found in Arcadia.

I will now paraphrase Ardea's descriptions of the four directions.

"Going towards Summer takes you ever closer towards lands more pleasant and congenial to mortal-kind. Summer in Arcadia is not like the hot summers often found in the mortal world. In Arcadia, Summer is a place of endless bounty, with all of the animals healthy and in their prime, and each plant continually flowers and seeds and bears fruit all at the same time. Verdant forests and lush meadows may be found in Summer. The weather is warm, but never hot or uncomfortable, and the air is ever sweet to breathe."

Well, with this description, one wonders why she ever bothered to visit anywhere else in Arcadia! She makes it sound like Paradise, and I can assure you that this is certainly NOT the case! Summer is a land of beauty and bounty, this is true. It is also a place of growth and motion. Of all the locales in Arcadia, those rich in Summer are the ones most likely to alter. The fae that live here are capricious and whimsical, quick to anger and as quick to forget. Many have gone to Summer in search of bounty, and fallen prey to the fickleness of its inhabitants. Those who refuse to change with the land, who are too strongly attached to their current form and current age, who refuse to follow the cycle of life - these are people who suffer in Arcadia's Summer. Summer corresponds, as Ardea notes, with forests, lush vegetation, strength and fertility, and warmth. Also, follow the rosy glow of dawn, the rising sun and the waxing moon, though the latter two might take you to places other than what you intend.

"Going towards Winter takes you into ever colder an more uncongenial climes. Winter in Arcadia is first a land of harvested fields, sparse plains, and barren rocks. Then, as one goes further, ice, snow and wild blizzards gradually come to cover the landscape, until one reaches the point where everything is frozen and even the buildings are maid of ice. While Summer in Arcadia is never warm enough to cause discomfort, Winter in Arcadia can be bitter cold, and can kill."

Ardea's description of Winter is more accurate than her depiction of Summer, but she is still missing the point. Just as Summer is the land of growth and change, Winter embodies stillness and stasis. Winter is immicable to change. The inhabitants of Winter are rigid and stiff, disliking mortal fashions and trends. These are the fae who are perhaps most hostile to man, because they cannot comprehend that it is in man's nature to change - we grow old, we die. Fashions come and go, we invent new devices. Beware of Winter. The correspondences of Winter are obvious - lack of vegetation, bare rocky places, absence of heat, unchangingness. The dying sun and the waning moon also point the way towards Winter.

"Going towards Light is just that, going towards areas where the sky is brighter and brighter. In the lightest realms of Arcadia everything sparkles and seems more beautiful and perfect than in the rest of Arcadia. In my travels beyond Christendom, I was told that this is where gods live. Some of my Informants have said that moving towards the Light in Arcadia is the same as ascending into the Sky of Arcadia."

Light can be summed up by one word used by Ardea in the above passage: perfect. The regions of Light are the regions of order. Creatures of Light are creatures of laws and rules. They abhor those who break their rules (and are thus similar to Winter), but are willing to accept that new rules can be added to the old ones (and are thus different to Winter, and more like Summer). It is in lands close to Light that the mortal must be most careful of his manners and actions. A lack of knowledge of the rules is no defence against the lords of the Light. This is why gods are believed to dwell in the Light, for man took his laws from his gods. It is true that the Light may be attained by climbing or flying, but following stars, watching for auguries in the flight of birds and crossing bridges can also lead one towards the Light. The heavenly bodies rising to their zenith, or the full moon are also indicators to the Light.

"Going away from the Light takes one to ever mistier and darker Realms. Fog-shrouded valleys, caves, deep forests and dark places are all away from the Light. Going underwater also takes one away from the Light. In the furthest and darkest regions live spirits of the pagan dead. I know not where the souls of pagans go, but some of their spirits reside in these places."

It is interesting, is it not, that Ardea refers, not to going towards the Dark, in a vein similar to her other passages quoted here, but instead refers to going away from the Light. This is a feature inherent in all mortals - a fear of the Dark. It is in the Realms of the Dark that mortals feel ill at ease, but these realms are no more dangerous than any other parts of Arcadia. The only inhabitants that Ardea mentions are the pagan dead. These spirits can be found in all the far lands of Arcadia, not exclusively in the Dark. However, it is here that she expects to see them, and so there they are. The Dark is about freedom. In an unlit room, no-one can see what you are doing, so you may do as you please. The Dark is the antithesis to the Light, the realms of laws and rules. The Dark is lawlessness and no rules - another reason that it is feared so much by mortals. However, lawlessness does not mean chaos - in fact, these realms are often well-ordered and well-structured. It just means freedom to do what you will. Valleys, caves, fog and going underwater are all mentioned by Ardea as correspondences of the Dark, and in this, at least, she is correct. I would also add the New Moon to this list - though rarely seen, it is a sure and certain signpost to the Dark.

Now we have our compass of Light, Dark, Summer and Winter, is it possible to make a map of Arcadia?

No. Well, not in the conventional sense. Arcadia has its own rules, and spatiality is certainly not one of them! Although people talk about "places" and "realms" of Arcadia (and I must confess I am as guilty of this as the next man), such things are merely the way that we mortals can express our ideas. There is no common terminology to describe to real juxtaposition of the "lands" of Arcadia, linked not by distance, but by similarity. It is useful to imagine each location (there I go again!) in Arcadia as being made up of different quantities of Summer, Winter, Light or Dark. A realm that lays great stock in law is "closer" to Light than it is to Darkness, for example. We can use terms such as 'near' and 'far', as long as we understand that distance is irrelevant to the issue at hand.

Correspondence is the key to Arcadia. A map of correspondence can be built, and one can be sure that by following a correspondence, navigation through Arcadia is indeed possible. To start with, we must first define the overall correspondence of any locale to the four cardinal directions. Take a sheet of parchment. Draw a large square on it, then subdivide the square into four smaller squares. The central cross that such a division makes can be our compass rose. Take a stick of chalk and write LIGHT where you would place North in a conventional map. Write DARK in charcoal in the south. Use blood to mark SUMMER in the west, and an icicle to inscribe WINTER in the east. You know have the basic map of Arcadia. The most accurate map is obtained if you stop now, and write no more upon the parchment. That solution is unhelpful to the inquiring mind, however, so I will continue.

In the early days of the Order, a book called Faeries: a Complete Handbook of the Seelie came into circulation. It was evidently not written by a member of House Merinita, for it contained much contradictory and erroneous information (or perhaps this very fact is an indication that it was indeed written by a member of my House...)

This tome declared that the lands of Arcadia were sixfold, and went on to name and describe them. It is now clear that these labels originated in the fact that these were the only places clearly identifiable from the wealth of stories about Arcadia. These places I will now attempt to place upon my map.

Somnaire, the first realm, is called the 'Land of Legends and Dreams' and 'Arcadia Proper'. I believe what the author intended was that this is the realm where Light and Dark, Summer and Winter could all be found in equal amounts. There is no bias to any one direction in Somnaire, thus it must lie in the centre of the map. Write it in now, right at the centre. Because of its lack of bias, it is seen to mimic the mortal world with a good degree of correspondence, and is the most commonly visited part of Arcadia.

Caelum is the second realm. It is described as Celestial Arcadia, the sky and the heavenly bodies, and the abode of the gods. Although being described as the land of perpetual night, the description of barren earth and cloud cities clearly identify it as a place of Light. In fact, I believe the real Caelum to be the land of extreme Light, and its name can be used to describe the lands of Light. You can write the name of Caelum across the top of your square, the most 'northerly' realm, but stretching as far east and as far west as you can go.

Antrum is the third realm. It is apparently the subterranean part of Arcadia, a place of no sky. If the author had travelled himself in these lands, and sought deeper into these lands, he would have found it to be a land of little light as well. As surely as Caelum is Light, then Antrum is Dark. Inscribe its name as the bottom edge of your map.

The fourth realm mentioned is Barathrum. Still persists this myth about this being the land of the pagan dead. Perhaps this is where it originated. Still, it is describes as very beautiful, and if anything, even more luxuriant and full of life than the other lands of Arcadia. This sounds very much to me like a land of extreme Summer. Write the name of this land down the left-hand side of the map.

The fifth realm is Tartarus. Bearing the name of the Greek place of punishment, it is called "The Land beyond all Understanding and Ken", and is called the land of the first fae. I am curious as to the identity of this land, having expected to find it to be the land of far Winter. However it is not mentioned as such, and indeed, I can find no such mention of a land that fits this description, so I will have to invent a name for this final realm. Keeping in the spirit of the Latin names, I would call this place Coctyus, after the frozen river found in the underworld of the ancients. As before, write that name down the right-hand side of your map

The sixth land is that of Atlantium. Named after Plato's lost world, now drowned by the fury of the gods, it is supposedly a watery realm. This corresponds to none of the directions of Arcadia, and as a sixth realm, is rather surplus to requirements. I believe Atlantium to be an amalgam of the many watery realms that exist in Arcadia, and an artificial construct of the collators of the lore of Arcadia. Of course, I hold this belief because it fails to fit in with my nice little scheme - I am quite prepared to be proved wrong on this issue.

Now our map of Arcadia has some names. Let me try, as did Ardea before me, try to locate some of the places I have visited upon this map. I will use the terms 'near', 'mid' and 'far' to indicate the degree of influence that any one direction has on a location - a place of far Winter, therefore, is a place in which Summer holds little sway. These places are hard to judge, though it is true that more high fae are found in the near and mid realms, whereas wilderness fae tend to predominate in the mid and far realms. The low fae are found throughout. There is no tendency for the so-called 'seelie' and 'unseelie' to correspond to any particular direction. These are purely human classifications, the fae being relegated to one camp or the other depending upon their attitudes towards humans.

I will first describe lands that are neutral in respect to Summer and Winter. These you may locate, if you wish, on the vertical axis of your map.

The Kingdom in the Clouds, is a realm, I believe, of far Araby, where the fae that frolic with the winds mimic the Desert Kingdoms, with their emirs, and shahs, and padishahs. This is a realm of mid Light - strict with the rules, but not ungiven to mercy. They have strict codes of etiquette, but are somewhat tolerant of mortals.

Asgarð, that fabled home of the Norse Gods, some might place in the far Light. Personally, I am less sure that the Norse gods were once fae, though I am in no doubt over the beings worshipped by the Irish, called the Tuatha de Danann. In following the Light as far as I could I saw a castle in the distance named as the abode of Lugh of the Long Arm, framed by the glory of the noontide sun, but could approach no farther, feared as I was of losing myself in the Light.

Heading towards the Dark, I followed the New Moon into the Court of Mushrooms. This is a land truly of Autumn - neither Summer nor Winter. The mushroom-king held court over beings both deadly and edible. The frightful hallucinations I suffered at the hands of one of his subjects still haunt me even to this day. Further towards the Dark, in a place were my eyes were stretched to the very limit of sight, I saw the Roots of the World. I have been told that this was part of the branching roots of the World Tree, nourished in the darkness by the waters of Antrum, and attacked daily by the serpents who dwell there. I followed one root, walking its broad girth right to where it entered the water at the edge of the Dark Fen, a land of near Winter and far Darkness, described in the journal of Ardea of Mercere. I progressed no further in the Fen, fearing its inhabitants, and headed once more to the light. The fog rose thicker and thicker around me, and I saw images in the chill swirling mists, figures who hovered at the edge of my sight, menacing without actually doing anything. This Land of Mists is called Niflheim by the Northerners, and I had no desire to stay.

Still, I digress. Proceeding from Somnaire towards Summer, with no leanings towards Dark or Light (thus traversing the horizontal axis of our map), I came across a mighty ocean. Dotted around the ocean I saw many islands and many sights, some of which I recognised from the voyages of Mael Duin, that intrepid traveller of Irish tales. These where the Blessed Isles, each one a story in its own right. If I had dived into the water, and thus travelled towards the Dark, I would have found the Kingdom of the Waters, otherwise known as Mag Mell, a land of Summer and near Darkness. Fish seem to swim in the air, and castles of coral and shell glitter in the muted light from above. Further towards the Summer, whilst remaining in the underwater realms, one can reach Tir fo Thuinn, the Land Beneath the Waves, a realm of Far Summer and near Darkness, and one of the many Otherworlds of the Celtic people. Tir na nOg, the Land of Youth, is beyond the Blessed Isles, a land of far Summer, and eternal luxury. Other lands of promise purported to be found in far Summer are the Elysian Fields (far Darkness), Cockaigne (far Light), and Vanaheim (near Light). This last is an interesting place - whereas the war-gods of the Norse cannot be found in Arcadia, the other family of Nose gods, called the Vanir, certainly can. They seem to be similar beings to the Tuatha de Danann, the god-like High Fae, and they live in a land of eternal Summer and bounteous rain.

I hope you're getting all of this down on your map...

Towards Winter on the horizontal axis I have only encountered a land read about in the legends of the savage people of Finnmark. Tuonela, it is called, and protected by a river of deepest pitch in colour. It is a place of far Winter, and filled with fae of mischief and suffering. It is as still as a stone, and about as noisy. It is ringed on one side by mountains, and climbing those mountains (and thus travelling towards the Light) you will reach Jotunheim, the land of Giants.

What other places have I seen? The Green Wood lies midway between Cockaigne and Somnaire. It is a lush and verdant jungle of vegetation run riot. It seemingly has no end, and is the abode of many fae of trees and flowers. It has an analogue in the Dark Wood, found in mid Summer and mid Darkness, and the two are directly connected. They link likewise to the Silent Wood, a place of stone trees and silence found in mid Darkness and Winter. The White Wood, its reflection in mid Light, is also dead and still, but here the trees are of wood, and seem to show promise of approaching Spring, though it never arrives. I briefly touched upon Ynys yr Afallon, also called Avalon, which I reached by entering a stand of apple trees from the Green Wood whilst following an old stag with twenty four tines upon his head. I must surmise that Avallon is part of the Winter-facing edge of the Green Wood. There is the Court of Misrule, a frightening place of clowns and chaos, part of near Summer and near Darkness. There is the Kingdom of the Dwarves, or Nidavellir, about as far Dark as you can get, for they dwell in the darkest caverns of Arcadia. Being a creative people, they are of course, deep within the Summer realm as well.

What other places have I heard of? Ardea talks about the Land of Bright Winter, where dwells the Queen of Frost and Snow. I have told you already about the lands of far Summer and far Light (called Cockaigne), and the lands of far Summer and far Dark, known as the Elysian Fields. What of the other two corners of the map? Far Winter and Far Light brings us to Caer Arianrhod, the city in the stars. It is reputed to be a place utterly alien to mankind, a place of frozen stillness and glorious light. Its opposite is the grim Nasheim, land of the forgotten dead. This place is called Tartarus by Ardea, in conflict with the description of that land given in the book entitled Faeries that I mentioned earlier. Here truly dwell the souls of the pagan dead, those that have been forgotten by their relatives and ignored by their descendants. Those that escape such a fate, but lead a life of no great shame nor one of great good, belong in the Asphodel Meadows (or so it was called in times of Ancient Greece), a land of far Winter and mid Dark. Note I have mentioned many places which, in the mythology of various people, are accounted as the lands of the dead. As I asserted before, the spirits of pagan people can often be found roaming Arcadia, each allocated a place according to their beliefs. Note also that these lands are always the ones furthest from Somnaire. These are the lands that are most inaccessible for the rare mortals who are given the privilege of roaming Arcadia.

There is one other type of locality I think I should mention. Certain objects or features are Universal Sites, they have strong correspondences to many different locations. For example, the Market Place is often encountered in Somnaire, it is a place representing the division between civilisation and wild nature. Thus several of the paths from the Market Place lead out to the Green Wood, the Dark Fen, or the Asphodel Meadows, for example. One does not have to go through the tedious process of following correspondences from one of these places to another, the Market Place, if it can be found, makes a short cut. Likewise, the Court of the Judgement links Tartarus, the Elysian Fields and the Asphodel Meadows. In this case, there is a guardian of the site, or to be more accurate, three guardians - the Judges of the Dead. If things have a common nature, then there may well be a Universal Site linking them. The trick is first of all to be able to recognise these sites, and secondly, to use them correctly. The journey is not always a two way path - you can go from the Court of Judgement to Tartarus, but the return journey is impossible.

This is by no means meant to be a comprehensive list of places in Arcadia - I have mentioned only a fraction of localities, those which can truly be given names. Arcadia is, by all accounts, limitless in size. I would like to stress once more that this is by no means a spatial map, but there exists patterns of correspondence as well. For example, if leaving the Green Wood and travelling towards Winter by looking for rocky places, I would not expect to find myself in Avallon. When I made that journey, I had the fortune to enter a thicket of apple trees, and Avallon is called the Isle of Apples. I was also following an ancient beast - true, a recognised way to head towards Winter, but also another correspondence with Avallon, with its associations with the moon and the resting place of crowned kings. There is a sense to Arcadia - it is not just a random collection of places, or a list of names on a map.

I wish you all the best in your journeys in Arcadia. I don't that you will never more again have an adventure filled with more excitement, more terror, more wonder or more frustration.

Editor's Note: For more on Ardea's comments, see Faeries (revised edition) p72 onwards